A few years ago, while working at my first full-time job, I had an email come through. It was an offer letter from a Russell Group university saying I had been successful in my PhD application and that they were prepared to offer me a scholarship to cover my fees and a sliver of my living costs over the three year period.

That email was one I had been waiting on for nearly three months. I had spent at least another three months previously writing and rewriting my research proposal, attending conferences and lectures after work and on weekends, discussing how my financial options could work with my partner and family. Not to mention working full time and wrapping up my Master’s degree and 15,000 word dissertation at the time. It was a pretty hectic time in my life.

I wanted to take a PhD more than anything – but I wasn’t prepared to give up my entire life for it. I had met my partner and could see a real future with him, I was enjoying earning money regularly for the first time in my life. I could actually have savings and go on holiday and turn the heating on in my house. After four years of living a student existence, I was enjoying feeling the rewards of my hard work and study.

The email offer sent a lump of sadness into my gut. Even before it had arrived I knew I wasn’t going to take it, despite all my months of hard work. Turning it down was incredibly difficult –  my would-be supervisor even tried to talk me out of it – and it’s something I’ve found myself thinking about a lot lately.

That email was a real ‘Sliding Doors’ moment for me. Taking it would have led my life down a totally different path to the one I am on today. I wonder what would have happened. I definitely wouldn’t have met a lot of the friends I have today, I doubt I would have been able to sustain a healthy relationship, I wouldn’t have been able to take on a lot of the experiences I’ve had like travelling, learning to drive, buying a house, getting a cat.

So why can’t I stop wondering about a future that never was? Why do I feel I missed out even though it would have been an undeniably difficult time that would have completely changed my 20s? (I say that like I’m out of my 20s – I’m only 26. I was 22 when I received the PhD offer. Had I taken the offer I would be in my final year now).

My heart still belongs to research and academia – I fell in love with it from my first term at university and I don’t think it’s something I’ll ever let go of. I keep wondering if maybe in the next ten years or so, once I’ve solidified some cash and earned myself some good work experience, maybe I could go back and take an MRes, work my way back to PhD level. It’s definitely a dream and one I hope I can achieve.

I graduated from my Masters degree in 2016 – it feels like yesterday. What I learned on that course, both about myself and how I work and see the world, was completely invaluable and I think about it a lot. Especially lately, as I am working alongside a final year DPROF student in my freelance role, I can’t help but wonder what it would be like if I were about to add those three little letters to the end of my name.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy with my current situation. Even with the upheaval of COVID-19, which caused another moment in my life where a path that was laid out before me was completely taken away. As a result, I made my own path, setting up my freelancing business, and working hard at that is now my main goal. I like it more than I thought I would, so it’s been a great case of serendipity and an exciting new route to take in my life.

But I wonder if I’ll ever stop thinking about an alternate universe where a Dr. Hannah Albone exists.

I hope she’s happy. I know I am.