Objects are ways in which we can control and pursue ‘the good life’ – they bridge the gap to a better life, and contain ‘promises of happiness’. One of the major ways you see this illustrated is around weddings.

Weddings are emotionally supercharged events. Even the happiest of couples with the happiest of families and friends will no doubt feel at least a little of the pre-wedding nerves. After all, there’s a lot happening in one day, and almost all of it is expensive and has been long in the planning process. Throw in dysfunctional family members, unruly members of the bridal or groom parties, guests turning up late or unannounced, or even the dreaded Bridezilla and you can see why so many weddings are absolute recipes for stress.

Weddings can also stir up a lot of unusual feelings in people. For me, it triggered a surprising amount of unprocessed childhood trauma from my parent’s divorce and fears of abandonment. Other friends and brides-to-be have spoken about feeling uncomfortable about their weight or appearance, such as showing tattoos, (a well-documented feeling), anxiety about being the centre of attention/having things planned just for them, feeling overwhelmed with choice (be it venues, flowers, dresses), having to navigate difficult family dynamics, invite people you don’t know, and a general need to please everyone on the day. Many have also spoken about wanting to do things in a very personalised way but worrying about what people might think (spoiler: it’s almost always what family will think).

All of this links back to how much emotional significance society traditionally puts on weddings. Typically seen as one of the ‘milestone’ events in one’s life, while marriage is slightly less pressured nowadays, it’s still a major thing for lots of people.

Say yes to the dress!

Wedding dresses are loaded with emotional investment. Look at any wedding dress boutique window, social media, or Pinterest board and you’ll be smacked around the face with pictures of glowing, happy brides modelling beautiful dresses. Living their #perfectlovestory, right?

Choosing a dress can be incredibly overwhelming. It’s something I went through in 2021 and have been relaying my experience to other engaged friends to give them an alternative view of what it can be like.

First: Every. Single. Communication with the bridal studio is laden with emotional language. I get it. They want you to buy a dress from them, and playing on emotions and ideas of true love and ‘the perfect dress’ is a great way to do that. If you’re not a person comfortable with sharing emotions, get prepared for strangers to start gushing over you and being overly friendly.

There are thousands of beautiful dresses out there, usually displayed on intensely skinny models. With many dress samples running anywhere between a UK 6 and a UK 10, good luck if you’re a bigger size than that. As someone who runs a size 10-12, I was extremely lucky that most samples fitted, however, I did squeeze into a size 6 sample for one dress and it was humiliating to see how much they had to hold the back together with string to show me an idea of the fit.

I visited two bridal boutiques when shopping for my wedding dress – and the first was nearly enough to put me off the whole process. She gushed excessively about how beautiful I looked in every single dress I tried on. She was quite frantic and despite having a 1 hour appointment, I was hustled out in 45 minutes. I was barely asked about any of my wedding plans or dress ideas.

I came away bewildered. Although I hadn’t gone shopping expecting to find ‘The Dress’ or even with any expectation at all (or so I thought), the whole interaction was so overly personal and emotional that I was taken aback. Why is this woman, a stranger, trying to convince me that this dress is the secret to true love and happiness?

I deliberately chose the second boutique as it offered a longer appointment and more relaxed bridal styles. I took only my maid of honour as I wanted to keep things simple (she actually picked out the dress I ended up buying, so I was glad she came!). I tried on maybe 5 dresses, and settled on my wedding dress for a number of reasons:

  • I wanted to get one that day and have the whole thing sorted.
  • I really liked this one and was happy to pay for it.
  • It was lightweight and comfortable, with enough room for me to eat and easily dance in.
  • It was a more unusual style but one that still fitted with the theme of our wedding.

I didn’t weep with joy when I tried it on. A magical light didn’t descend over me when I saw myself in the mirror. I actually tried it on twice before deciding that I wanted to go with this one. When I turned around to tell the sales team I would take it, they applauded (?!). They offered me prosecco and chocolates to celebrate. It was…confusing.

Maybe I’m in the minority there, but I detached myself from the dress. The dress would not be defining my marriage. I looked at it in a rational way – it’s a lovely dress for a special occasion. Of course, I wanted it to be special and beautiful, but there are plenty of outfits I own which fit that bill. Something bigger in my mind was wondering what my husband would think of it, and if he’d like it.

By taking out the emotional investment, it was much easier to rationalise the whole experience of wedding dress shopping. I’m actually planning to sell it and reinvest the money into something I can actually use/wear again. While I’m a little sad to not keep it, realistically it won’t be worn again and I would much rather share it with another bride for her special day. It would also be too difficult to alter into an evening gown (and again, when am I in need of an evening gown? I don’t go to the opera/galas/red carpet events).

Although there is a growing market for second-hand wedding dresses, it has to be approached in a certain way. The idea of ‘sharing a dress that gave you a special day’ is an acceptable reason for selling. ‘I got divorced’ is not a reason you can share for selling. No one wants to buy a dress from a failed marriage – even though there is 0% chance that the wedding dress has anything to do with the marriage not working out. We still believe it, thanks to the intense emotional projection we put onto a wedding dress.

Taking the weight out and the stress off

I recently attended Rock ‘n’ Roll Bride Live, and it was a breath of fresh air in wedding planning. If you don’t already know, Rock ‘n’ Roll Bride is an awesome wedding industry website and magazine that fully embraces the idea that weddings are for everyone and you should have what makes you happy on your special day of love.

This was an event that focussed only on helping couples look, feel, and plan their very best. LGBTQIA+ inclusive, size-inclusive and wonderfully diverse, it was a ‘love is love’ event with zero mention of diets, hiding away your weird, all-white everything and sticking to traditions. To me, it was what all wedding planning and wedding fairs should be like. No stress, fun vibes only, good times guaranteed – exactly the way you want it for YOUR wedding.

I came away feeling hopeful. Perhaps the wedding industry will start to be undercut as people strip away the expectations traditionally attached to weddings and see them as what they should be – a reflection of love and commitment for the couple. Whether that’s a big white wedding or a Lord of the Rings themed elopement, all that matters is it’s right for you.

By detaching expectations of weddings and focusing on what matters, it’s much more fun for the couple, and the guests. It’s your wedding, so you put exactly what you want into it. And remember, at the end of the day, it’s just a day – what matters is the person you’re committing to and the future you’re building together. Not whether the canapes complement the house champagne.